jokes
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0 0A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all ofyou sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for 2 HRS.
When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
'All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She heard her little darling continue...
'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen....' -
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: " Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: " An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!" -
>A family in Gujarat (India) was puzzled when the coffin of their dead
>mother (Ba) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.
>
>
>The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space
>left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed
>to her brothers and sisters:
>
>
>Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
>
>
>I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be
>cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.
>
>
>Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
>
>
>You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10
>packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please
>divide these among all of you.
>
>
>On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
>There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the
>sizes are correct.
>
>
>Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just
>distribute the rest among yourselves.
>
>
>The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that
>Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.
>
>
>Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked
>for. Please take them off her.
>
>
>The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my
>nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
>
>
>PS: If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not
>feeling >too well now a days. -
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of
>his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of
>his wife's activities.
>
>
>A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together
>to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw
>his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
>He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in
>a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen
>activities with utter glee.
>
>
>"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
>The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the
>screen!"
>
>The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
> -
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married.
He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do
with the money.
The first does a total make-over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new make-up
and buys several new outfits,
then dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this
to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs,
some new gizmos for his computer,
and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts,
she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him
because she loves him so much
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5,000
and reinvests the remainder
in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save
for their future
because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time
about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent
on breast implants
and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer' s research.
This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with either of them.
If you don't send this
to five OLD friends right away
there will be five fewer people
laughing in the world! -
